


The Ice Prince

by boleyn13



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Brothers, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Gen, Murder, Prison, Psychological Trauma, Serial Killers, Somehow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-10-02 00:49:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20454200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boleyn13/pseuds/boleyn13
Summary: “I met this beautiful woman in a coffee shop. We’ve talked for over an hour and she is definitely too smart for me, but for some reason she agreed to have dinner with me. When we got to the restaurant I said that I made a reservation under Odinson and she was like ‘Oh, you have the same name as that guy who killed all these people’. The way she said it and her eyes made me sure that she wasn’t just pretending, she had no idea and suddenly I was completely frozen. What do I do now? She is the first woman I dated since… Do I tell her? Is that something I can bring up on the first date? And if I don’t? When is the right time? When do I say ‘The guy you’ve been hearing about, the one who killed all these people, he’s my brother' ? How does this work?”Thor tries to deal with his brother being a convicted murderer





	The Ice Prince

“I met this beautiful woman in a coffee shop. We’ve talked for over an hour and she is definitely too smart for me, but for some reason she agreed to have dinner with me. When we got to the restaurant I said that I made a reservation under Odinson and she was like ‘Oh, you have the same name as that guy who killed all these people’. The way she said it and her eyes made me sure that she wasn’t just pretending, she had no idea and suddenly I was completely frozen. What do I do now? She is the first woman I dated since… Do I tell her? Is that something I can bring up at the first date? And if I don’t? When is the right time? When do I say ‘The guy you’ve been hearing about, the one who killed all these people, he’s my brother? How does this work?”

At the end of his story Thor felt strangely drained and looked around the circle with the faint hope that someone could offer a way out of his plight. As usual there was no piece of wisdom or packaged solution, but at least there was comfort in the same old, sad faces that didn’t have to fake sympathy. They knew what this felt like and that there was no answer to his question. However, it was lifted a small weight off his chest to be able to talk freely.

“Is there anyone who would like to answer Thor’s question? Or share a similar experience to maybe help him?”

“Yeah, I’ll say something.”

There was an evident sentiment of surprise going through the group, because the sombre looking man called Clint rarely said anything. He attended every meeting, hadn’t missed a single one for as long as Thor had been a member.

“Thank you, Clint. Go ahead.”

Unlike a lot of other members Clint had no qualms directly looking at another person while commenting on their statements. There was nothing gentle in his voice, he seemed to be very matter-of-fact, but not cruel. “Just tell her, man. Girls nowadays look up every guy they’re dating. She’s going to find out anyway and it’ll make a better impression if you tell her first. It’s not like you could have done anything different. He’s your fucking brother, you didn’t choose this. You are not an idiot like me who actually went out and thought ‘Hey, that chick seems awesome. Why not date her?’ Then she ends up killing someone and I am the one who didn’t see the red flags. I chose somebody who was messed up and didn’t realise that. Or perhaps I did and I was into that. Shit like that should worry the woman you’re dating. You chose your partner, not your family. Also, your brother is adopted. That girl you met has nothing to worry about. Just my two cents.”

After the meeting Thor took his time leaving, slowly shouldering his bag. He was in no hurry to get home when he still would be thinking about what he should do about Valkyrie. Thor liked her, he really did and that hadn’t happened in a long time. The last thing he wanted was to screw things up if he should finally have a shot at happiness.

“Thor? Do you have a second?”

Turning around Thor faced Steve’s friendly and also timid smile. Contrary to Clint he was a rather vocal member of the group. Soft spoken and also trying to make everyone feel better, but smart enough to know that he was incapable of doing that. Didn’t stop him from trying.

“Not really. Can we talk on the way out?”

Steve nodded and they began walking. Thor thought he was a good guy, somebody he would have liked to hang out with if they had met in a different place. Nevertheless talking to him alone without the protection of the group made Thor feel uncomfortable. Someone like Steve only had the best intentions, but Thor didn’t like the comparisons he drew between Loki and his own boyfriend Bucky. Sometimes Thor wondered what the guy’s actual name was. Most people in the group who had been in relationship with the offender when the crime had happened were no longer together. Thor thought that he could remember Clint mentioning setting half of his ex-girlfriend’s stuff on fire and donating the rest to the goodwill. All of that after two years into the prison sentence.

Ending his relationship could not be further from Steve’s mind. He was the paradigm of a man whose devotion to his incarcerated partner would not fade away due to prison or separation. And it was even more complicated than that.

“When you told us what happened, I could not help wondering about something else you’ve said a couple of weeks ago. You talked about your mother visiting Loki. I asked myself… have you maybe visited him since then?”

Without saying anything Thor shook his head. The last time he had seen Loki had been during the trial. Sitting there in his pitch-black suit, looking exalted and at ease while being accused of multiple murders.

Steve nodded a bit awkwardly. For him the idea of willingly staying away from a loved one had to seem unimaginable. “Alright. I know it’s not my place to give advice, but if you were interested in another opinion? After Clint it didn’t feel right to me to speak up.”

Truth to be told Thor wasn’t so sure if he wanted to hear it. Their situation had not much in common. Thor had a family member in prison, Steve his boyfriend. Three different psychiatrists had found Loki competent to stand trial. Two had shared the opinion that Bucky suffered from a paranoid personality disorder. No trial, but a mental institution for highly dangerous patients. If it wasn’t for Steve Thro would have never known about Bucky and his rampage. Everybody in the country knew about Loki. The press had given him a nickname.

“What is it?”

“I understand that you are afraid of her reaction. It’s not something easy to deal with, but could it be that… You yourself haven’t come to terms with your brother in prison and everything that has happen. That’s why you don’t think that anybody else could. Perhaps talking to him would help you to deal with it better and then you could maybe believe that other people would find the strength to do so.” The small smile on Steve’s face couldn’t possibly provoke a harsh reaction and yet Thor was tempted to snap at him. To find a completely unjustified outlet for his anger.

What did Steve know? His boyfriend had severe paranoia and most probably hallucinations. One day he had gone to work and the switch in his head had been flipped. He had attacked several co-workers and it had taken the effort of ten men to put him down. One person had died, other had walked away with grave injuries. Now Steve was visiting him every week, with that optimistic, self-torturing attitude and clinging onto that flicker of hope that the doctors could fix him and that one day Bucky could come back home.

None of that existed in Thor’s parallel world. Loki would remain in prison until he died. In another state he would be sitting on death row. He would never be free again and there was no prospect of Loki getting better, because Loki was perfectly fine. Thor’s little brother had been aware of what he was doing, none of it had been the result of some mental distress or sickness.

That was the only reason why Thor was angry at Steve. The other one still had hope, Thor had nothing but rage, deception and the never-ending question of what had gone wrong. “I can’t talk to him. I would have no idea what to say. I cannot even imagine looking at him. I don’t know him anymore. It would all be so much easier if I could just forget about him.”

“But you can’t.”

***

A blonde woman opened the door, leaving Thor confused. “Yes?”

“I am sorry… I was looking for Tony Stark.”

Instead of sending him away the woman turned back into the house and exclaimed loudly Tony’s name. So it wasn’t the right place after all. Thor had kind of wished it was. In less than 10 seconds Tony Stark had walked back into Thor’s life. Almost the exact same way he had entered it. Good looking, lively, a cocky smile on his lips. The only difference was that this time he didn’t have an arm wrapped around Loki’s waist. Once he spotted Thor the smile became a little stale. “Thor. Wow. Talking about an unexpected guest.”

“I am sorry. I should have called, but… Do you have a minute? I would like to talk.” No need to specify what Thor wanted to talk about. The two of them only had one thing in common.

Against his expectations Tony nodded instantly. “Sure. We can hang out in my workshop. Pepper will be glad for the distraction. Oh, by the way. Thor, this is Pepper. My fiancé.”

Fiancé? Why be surprised? Life goes on. Pepper, who was quite pretty and a little bit taller than Tony, offered Thor a smile and her hand to shake. “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

“Pepper, this is Thor. Loki’s brother.”

Thor flinched. This was not the kind of introduction he had expected. Tony must have told his fiancé about Loki. Why would he do that? He did not have to. Inform his future wife about his former boyfriend, the serial killer. On her face was neither surprise nor shock. “I guess I will leave you to it.”

There was no talk as Tony led him through the house into a highly sophisticated workshop. It made Thor aware of his lack of knowledge about Tony’s actual job. He was an engineer, but what did that entail? Judging by his surroundings Tony might be building a robot. Thor was still pondering that thought when Tony pressed a bottle of beer into his hand. “You look like you need one, point break.”

Yeah, he had not missed the nicknames. Tony had had nicknames for every member of the family. “Thank you.”

They sat down, Tony took a sip from his own beer and he still was no friend of overlong silence. “How is the pirate doing?”

“My father is doing fine. He’s finally retired. I am head of the company now.”

“Good for you. Hope the old pirate is going to get a little more relaxed in his old age.”

Thor left that uncommented. “This is a nice place. Your fiancé seems nice too.”

“Totally. Pepper is great, but I doubt that you come here after… What has it been? Two years? To talk about my fiancé and my home. Considering that we’ve never talked much. About anything. What did your brother do?” The smile was back on his face and it suddenly seemed bizarre. It had been so long that someone talking about Loki had been in a good mood that Thor had forgotten such a thing was possible. Even more so since the sentiment was definitely real. Thor knew that Tony was not keen to fake any kind of emotion.

He started by shaking his head, trying to remember why he had come here. “Nothing. He’s… there is not much he can do. I am in this support group. For family members or partners of people who committed a crime. Major. Pretty much everybody in our group is connected to someone who… murdered somebody.”

“Let me guess.” Tony crossed his legs and took a sip. “Loki takes the cake in the numbers department? Yeah, thought so. Is the group helping? Or what exactly do you need help with?”

A bit bewildered Thor shrugged because he didn’t know what else to do. “With everything? Understanding how my little brother became a killer without me noticing? If I could have done something… or if I did something that made him become this way? Don’t you ever think about any of that?”

“No.” Tony stated simply and it left Thor kind of speechless. “Really?”

“Okay, I may have had some of these thoughts in the beginning, but not in a very long time. Your support group isn’t going to help you with that, but talking to your brother will.”

Hearing the same suggestion for the second time didn’t make it easier to process. “I don’t think I can do that. Could you do that?”

“Sure.” Tony nodded instantly. “I went to talk to your brother.”

Tony didn’t know why it took him that much by surprise. Why it had seemed absolutely impossible to him until now. “What? When?”

“Several times. Not in a while now since it feels weird because of Pepper and all, but I went to see him.” He talked about it so easily. As if it was a normal thing and at the same time Thor could only utter a single word. “Why?”

Finally a different emotion ghosted over Tony’s face. No actual anger, but Thor’s simple question seemed to have upset him. “Because I fucking care? And there were about one million things that I wanted to ask him. I pretty much went there the first chance that I got.”

Yes, there was an endless list of things that Thor wanted to ask, but he knew that he probably wouldn’t dare to even open his mouth. “What did you ask him?”

Sighing lightly Tony leaned back, one of his hands drumming nervously on his thigh. “He must have killed some of the first ones when we were still together. I wanted to know if something in our relationship had set him off. If I had done something wrong, something to enhance… whatever was going on him with. What do you think was his reaction when I told him?”

Thor closed his eyes for a second, because he did not want to know and then again, it was the only thing that mattered knowing. “Can you just not make me guess? Please, go ahead and tell me.”

Then Tony smiled again. Fondly. “He grinned at me and told me that he was still impressed by my ability to make everything about myself. Even the murders he had committed, I had to be the reason, right? He said no. Neither me, nor our relationship had anything to do with what he did. It was a relief… because I still think that our relationship was rather great and I like to think about it as untarnished.”

That whole idea was absurd and yet it had Thor overcome with envy. “How can you do that? How can you think back to any moment with him without… wondering? If he ever looked at you in that way? Or when it all went wrong. If he was always been like that and nobody noticed.”

This was not the kind of question anyone could answer with a shrug and yet Tony did. “I don’t know and I’m not going to ruin the rest of my life wondering about that. My relationship with Loki was some of the best time of my life and I refuse to now question everything. Is that selfish and wrong? Most probably, but that’s the way I can live with it.”

“I envy you. I haven’t found my way yet and I don’t think I ever will.”

“Talking to him would be helpful.”

“I really don’t think I can do that.”

They fell silent for a short moment before Tony shot him another one of his grins. “I told him about the adoption comment.”

It was a slap and a punch in the stomach at once. No, he would not have done that. “You did what? How could you do…”

“It was all over the news and honestly I was quite pissed at you at the time. He is your brother and the trial hadn’t even started yet. It was mean. It felt like you were immediately throwing him under the bus. Distancing yourself from him.” The grin disappeared as quickly as it had come and for the form time Thor could feel real resentment Tony’s voice. So Thor had to defend himself now. “I was… overwhelmed. 48 hours earlier the world had still been okay, then my brother gets arrested and confesses to multiple murders. I take one step out the door and there are reporters everywhere, holding cameras right into my face, shouting questions at me. If I knew about what my brother had done and I lost it. I just blurted that out.”

“No need to tell me, I saw the video. It’s a classic.”

Guilt wasn’t a feeling that Thor associated very much with Loki nowadays, but in this case he couldn’t help himself. Sure, he had no experience with reporters whatsoever and he had only learned a few hours ago about him brother being accused of murder. Was that enough of an excuse for only mumbling the phrase ‘He’s adopted’ while rushing past the cameras. This had happened over a year ago and it had Thor feeling anxious that Loki now knew about that. “What… What did he say?”

“He was not exactly surprised.” Tony stated simply and Thor shifted, feeling like crap now. It didn’t stop Tony from continuing. “Feels bad, doesn’t it? Because despite everything you still do care what he thinks about you. That is not wrong. Only makes you human.”

There was no denying that. After all Loki would always be his brother. “I’ve never talked to any reporter. Never given a single interview. That’s the only time I ever spoke about him publicly and… all I’ve said was that Loki was adopted.”

“Feels shitty, right? Don’t beat yourself up. Reporters are worse than lawyers. Blood sucking assholes. I’ve made the mistake to talk to one very early on. Stupid bitch had a clear agenda. She asked about our sex life.” While talking about it Tony screwed his face up and Thor was pretty sure he was doing the same. “Oh my god, why?”

Tony exhaled through his nose, his thumb rubbing absently over the cover of the bottle in his hand. “If Loki was into any abnormal stuff. If he wanted me to do things that I wasn’t comfortable with. Like choking me or anything involving blood. I told her to go fuck herself.”

Rightly so. As much as Thor tried to avoid every word the media said about Loki, he was not completely blind to what was going on. Naturally they would ask Loki’s ex-boyfriend. Just like they police had questioned all of them. A lot of things that were none of their business, personal. Family matter. It only occurred now to Thor that he had never thought about what the police could have possibly asked Tony. Without even considering the press. Now it seemed odd that he had never considered this.

“Come on. Ask. I can tell by the look on the face that you want to.”

It was so out of line. That constant grin while talking about a convicted killer. Thor felt his cheeks heating up although he mostly felt offended. “I don’t want to ask anything.”

Tony told him anyway. Another proof that he hadn’t changed the slightest bit in the time they had not seen each other. “Our sex life was amazing, although I must admit a little vanilla. Your brother likes to cuddle. There was never anything extraordinary, but I guarantee you that we’ve had better sex than you and Jane.”

Thor was immensely glad that the last sentence gave him an idea on how to quickly change the topic. “Me and Jane broke up a while ago.”

“Oh. Sorry. Can’t say I was too fond of her. Loki hated her though.”

Yes, Thor was aware of that and it suddenly felt so very different. At the time Thor had not cared that Loki hadn’t liked his girlfriend. Even if he hated her. Things could change so quickly. What did it mean now that Loki hated Jane? Would he have wanted to kill her too? Had he never had the opportunity to? A cold shudder was running down Thor’s back as he met Tony’s lively brown eyes. “Have you ever… Do you ever look back and wonder… if he might have hurt you too?”

Thor used the word ‘hurt’ because it was easier, but they both knew what he actually meant. At least now Tony turned enough serious. “When we were together, of course not and after I’ve watched the news and found out… No, I don’t think so. He has never hurt anyone that he cares about. In his family or friends. Your brother was crazy about me and I was crazy about him. I am not stupid, nor in denial. I checked my schedule of the last year of our relationship. I am pretty sure I figured out… He came home late that one night. Pretty much slipping under the covers when I had already been asleep for hours. I wrapped my arms around him and went back to sleep. I checked with the timeline the police established… I am pretty sure that he killed someone that night. Perhaps I am wrong, but I am also sure that he would have never laid a hand on me.”

How much Thor wished to possess that same certainty. “Not long ago my office got a call that they were going to make a documentary about him. All the things they’re going to say about him when they don’t know anything. They’re just going to make things up… about his relationship to you and me and afterwards I am going to wonder if they’re true.”

“Well, they pretty much have to make shit up since he has never talked to a psychologist. He just gives them the silent treatment which is driving them insane. Everybody would just love to analyse him.” And the smile was back.

“How do you know all that?”

“Like I said – I visit him. You could do that too. Your brother is not dead and you would be able to stop wondering about a lot of things if you just asked him.”

***

Pulling up a chair Thor put down his cup of coffee next to his laptop. He had tried to make this place as comfortable as possible, to create a pleasant setting. Every little detail might help. After sitting down it took him another five minutes until he had plucked up the courage to put his hand on the mouse. Eventually Thor opened Google and typed in his brother’s name.

_About 32,300,000 results (0.74 seconds)_

** _Loki Odinson _ **

_American Serial Killer_

_Loki HveðrungrOdinson is an American serial killer who was dubbed the “Ice Prince” by the media._

Thor took a long sip from his coffee, mostly to have an excuse to stop reading. How was he going to do that if he didn’t have the power to get through the first lines of Loki’s Wikipedia article? Why was he doing this anyway? Why was he searching the internet for answers about his brother? Anybody else in the world would turn to him to find these answers. To understand what had happened to Loki. Or to have confirmation that nothing had ever happened to him in the first place. That he had always been this way.

Except that nobody had ever asked Thor and even if they had, Thor would have probably fled. Three years ago he would have been able to write entire books about Loki. His wickedness, his pranks, unforgiving sharp tongue, unlimited energy, endless vocabulary, amazing rhetoric , surprising sweetness. Today Thor had no idea who he was even talking about.

As he turned back to the screen Thor let his eyes ghost over the pictures that had come up on the right side. The now famous image of Loki in his black suit during the trial. One from a yearbook. A private one from a holiday that Thor had no idea how it had ended up on the internet. Was there going to be a picture of Loki and him? Probably.

With his heart beating way too fast Thor scanned the vast Wikipedia article, but then quickly drifted off to Boulevard press and pseudoscientific essays. Some of it was worse than he had expected. A couple of lines actually had him wanting to slam the laptop shut and scream that they had no idea what they were talking about. There was a claim that like most notorious killers Loki used to torture small animals when he had still been a kid. None of that was true.

Loki had grown up riding horses like Thor, he had been 10 when their parents had given him a dog as a present for his birthday. Loki had named him Fenrir and he had loved him like mad. That dog died 16 years later and the family had had to take care of Loki’s horse when he had been arrested. Not once in his life had Loki hurt an animal. Everybody claiming something different was full of shit.

Then there was some quote of a supposed childhood friend. Talking about their parents had clearly preferred Thor and that Loki had always been treated like a second-class son because of him being adopted. Which had led to Loki resenting his family and he had taken out his frustration on others. It wasn’t true. Odin didn’t talk about Loki anymore, but up until his arrest he had been a proud dad and Frigga had adored Loki every single day of his life.

Thor was about to give up at this point, shaking with rage. Then there was the realisation that this anger didn’t come out of nowhere. Thor was still a big brother and he still had the urge to protect Loki. Even now.

Those were lies after all.

After another 20 minutes Thor was done for. Tears were swimming in his eyes and his skin felt dirty, too tight for his skin. The last article was truthful as far as Thor could tell, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t tearing him apart. It talked about the instant notoriety and fame that Loki had gathered after his arrest. How people had been shocked by his charming good looks and silver tongue. How nobody could see him doing the things he confessed to have done. Then about all the girls attending the trial, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Webpages dedicated to him, trying to figure out why he had done this. Smart, educated, no history of abuse, rich family, beautiful, in a fulfilling relationship, loving parents, no sign of drug abuse or mental illness. Loki didn’t check any of the boxes and it was driving the FBI crazy.

There was no reason for him to turn into… what he had become. Apart from his adoption. Thor had found another article called ‘_Nature against Nurture – The case of the Ice Prince, Loki Odinson’. _What was there to even write about? Their parents had never given any interview and nobody knew who Loki’s real parents were. He had been abandoned as a baby, left behind in a hospital. Whatever the author had written down, it was pure speculation.

Tony was right. Until now Loki hadn’t given them anything. Not a word on his motivation or anything else. What had happened to him remained in the dark and left Thor without any answers. Wiping the tears away with the back of his hand Thor exhaled deeply. Going to sleep was pointless now.

***

None of this appeared to be real. Thor could easily be dreaming and he was merely walking through the motions. The entire drive here he had felt like somebody else was controlling his body and now it wasn’t much different. Thor should not be here, nobody he was familiar with should be here. Nothing in this world should connect him to this grey block of concrete wrapped up in barbed wire. Thor wanted to get up and run as far as he possibly could.

Then he would be home, alone with his thoughts and memories of a cheerful yet pensive little brother who maybe didn’t even exist anymore. Thor stayed, squirming in his chair, kneading his fingers. What was he supposed to say? What were they supposed to talk about? Could a conversation even be had after one person had decided to become a murderer? Would Thor be able to recognize him? To what degree could prison physically change somebody?

Would Loki talk to him?

_The Ice Prince_. Thor had heard one of the guards whispering. _The Ice Prince’s brother. Here to visit the Ice Prince. Kind of looks like the guys he stabbed. _

Thor forced himself to breathe calmly as he felt a wave of nausea creeping up on him. It had been pointed out to him before. Also, Thor wasn’t stupid. He had looked at photographs of the victims. It would be fruitless to accuse Loki of having a type. They had nothing in common except for their gender. However, the ones Loki had stabbed had all been blonde, with broad shoulders, very much like Thor.

This could be the beginning of a panic attack, so Thor closes his eyes and tried to breathe evenly. There was no danger. At any time Thor could get up and leave if he wanted to. Nothing was going to stop him. Least of all Loki.

A door was being opened, steps on the cold floor. Thor sat up straight, biting the inside of his cheek while listening to his heart hammering inside of his chest. The trial had ended over a year ago and naturally Loki wasn’t wearing that black suit anymore. It was bizarre that Thor even thought of it. Maybe because it had been the last time he had seen his little brother. Until now.

The man sitting down opposite of him was still lean, pale and his black hair was almost reaching his shoulders. Instantly Thor wondered why the prison would allow him to grow his hair out that long. Even at first glance there was so much wrong with this picture. The boring grey sweater swallowed Loki’s waist which he had always liked to show off. It was so ordinary and completely unlike every piece of clothing that Loki had ever bought for himself. He had liked them expensive and exclusive.

Only hesitantly Thor looked up to actually meet Loki’s eyes, to look at his face. To see how much prison had changed him, because murder obviously hadn’t. Thor had never noticed anything.

Loki looked exactly the same.

Thor had seen that expression before. Stoic, a little bored even. The look Loki liked to use when he wanted to look far removed from everything that was happening. Superior. It had always come easy to him, a born actor. That ability had definitely helped him to do what he had done.

It knocked the air from Thor’s to actually see him. Not on a picture, not in a video- As if he had forgotten how Loki looked like. Or worse, he had started to believe that he was not real. At least not in Thor’s actual world. Loki was the person on the news, that people talked about when they wanted to say ‘Lucky those things don’t happen in our neighbourhood’.

Slowly Loki sat down, casually placing his cuffed hands on the table, because this was everyday life. Cuffs, bars, a plastic panel that separated him from the person visiting him. There was no timidity in Loki’s gaze, he directly looked at Thor. Expectantly. What was he doing here? What was he supposed to do or say?

“I… I can’t…” The words Thor didn’t have died once more on his tongue when the right corner of Loki’s mouth moved up into a smirk. It was not threatening nor dangerous. Instead it displayed the one quality that Thor had seen more often than anything else on Loki’s face. Overbearing amusement by someone else’s discomfort or ignorance. With that arrogant smirk Loki nodded his head to the side, making Thor aware of the phone receiver to his left. What an odd time to feel embarrassed.

With not so steady fingers Thor picked up the receiver when Loki had already done so, holding it loosely in elegant, long fingers. Again, Thor had no words and as always Loki had plenty of them. “Thor, after all this time you come to visit me. Why?”

Swallowing softly Thor tried to think of a similar moment, but there was none. He had never felt intimidated by Loki. Yet his brother hadn’t said or done anything that Thor hadn’t witnessed before. This was the person he knew who had then ended up doing things that were unimaginable. So did Thor know him after all.

“I’ve wanted to visit before. I had already typed in a few numbers to make an appointment, but then I… couldn’t. I needed more time.”

“Time should be something that I have lots off, but surprisingly that’s not the case. They are ridiculously strict about sticking to the limit of visitation hours.”

Immense gratefulness filled Thor for every little word, because it gave them something to talk about. “Do you… do you get a lot of visits?”

Loki shrugged softly. “No need to worry. You are not going to screw up my schedule. “There is a man who wants to write a book about me. He comes here regularly and tries to convince me to talk to him. I won’t, but I still show up, because it is fun to see him getting frustrated. Friends every now and then. Tony. Mother comes every week. Last month they had to refuse someone, because I had run out of visitation hours. It’s quite a distraction, I still haven’t finished the new King novel.”

Too many things were raining down on Thor. The simple fact that Loki, his brother, convicted murderer could still talk about something as trivial like scheduling and reading was bizarre. But what else should he talk about? But something else was much more important.

“Mother comes every week?” Thor blurted out and Loki switching smirking for raising an eyebrow. “I don’t quite believe that she kept that a secret from you.”

Instantly Thor shook his head, afraid that he might have already upset the other one. “No. I knew she was visiting. I just had no idea that she was coming here so regularly. It’s difficult imaging her in this place.”

“Is it easier to imagine me here? Obviously because you don’t even have to do that. I am all here. In my cage for you to marvel at. What do you think? I’ve never heard your opinion on any of this? I’m simply dying to hear it.” Loki didn’t roll his eyes, but he didn’t more than the tone of his voice to mock Thor.

It was an incomprehensible injustice. Loki making fun of Thor’s hardship to deal with his brother’s descend into madness and corruption. He had no right to do that, to turn the tables and pretend that Thor still had any obligation to him. “What could I have possibly said? I am looking at you now and I have no idea what to say to you.”

“Well, as I have already pointed out, against all expectations, I do not have all the time in the world. You must know why you have come here. Not once during the trial. Not in the year I’ve been spending here. What makes today so special that you decided to come?” Loki arched one eyebrow, leaning a bit forward. Both of his hands were curled around the receiver and Thor caught himself staring at them. They were not like Thor’s. Not as big or broad. Rather elegant , made for artwork or holding a pen. The idea of them ending someone’s life was absurd.

“I was given the advice that I should talk to you and I do want to, but… I’ve already told you. I have no idea what to say to you.”

Loki offered him the hint of a smile that was equal parts biting and supportive. “I am sure you will think of something.”

Murder, prison and absence had done nothing to change their dynamic. In a conversation Loki easily dictated the pace and had no trouble with confusing Thor if he wanted to. Or have him working up a guilty conscience when there was no reason for him to have one. “Are you… angry that I haven’t come sooner?”

Before answering Loki shifted and Thor tried to make out any malice in his eyes. “I did not expect you to and I don’t mean that in a negative way. You have your own life, the company to take care of, being a good son. It would be such a nuisance to visit your _adopted_ brother in prison.”

The malice wasn’t in his eyes, it was all in that one word.

Thor knew that he was being manipulated like so many times before, Loki had started at a very young age to use his talents to his advantage, balancing out the physical differences. Knowing didn’t stop Thor from feeling guilty. “

“Tony told me that he told you. I am sorry, I should not have said that… I was overwhelmed and…”

Loki interrupted him before he got to the better part of his apology. “You talked to Tony? When?”

“Last week.”

“I see… I guess I should feel flattered. It has always taken a lot to get you to talk to him.”

What were they even doing? Talking about how Thor hadn’t visited yet, about one mistake that he had made when they only had to take one look around to see what they really should be talking about. Loki was not ashamed to look at him, Loki was still the very same and Thor couldn’t take it. Suddenly Thor knew what to say. “What are you doing, Loki? What did you do? How could you do any of this? I’ve known you for all my life… How could you?!”

Noticing that his grip on the conversation had slipped Loki slightly raised his head and Thor expected him to avoid the question. “That’s it? Now you come here to ask what everybody else has been asking? What makes you think that you might get an answer when they didn’t?”

“Because I am your brother!” Thor raised his voice and that had Loki blink surprise. Such a little gesture, but it gave Thor the strange to continue.” Because I carried you home when you fell off your bike and twisted your ankle when you were seven. Because I distracted mom and dad, so your first boyfriend had enough time to climb through your window after spending the night in your room. Because I got on a last-minute plane to Europe when you had decided you were going to marry some English guy that you met during your holiday and when I got there 18 hours you had already broken up. Because… I am supposed to know you and all my life I thought I did. I thought I could always rely on you as you on me and then… you become a complete stranger. Worse than that. I am not like all the others. I deserve to know.”

Loki’s expression remained calm while Thor talked himself further and further into his rage. He was breathing hard by the end and Loki licked his lips slowly. For once it did not look deliberate. “And what would you do with that knowledge? What would it give you? Would it change how you look at your childhood or would it change how you look at me right now? Does knowing make it any better or worse?”

“You have no idea what this is like. The stares and the whispers. We had to move after…”

“Don’t annoy me with tales about people I do not care about. You are not here because of anybody else. You are here because you want to.”

“No, I am not here because I want to. I want none of this! I don’t want to see you in prison. I don’t want you to be… I just want to know why. So I can decide to either forgive you or hate you, but I can no longer pretend that you do not exist. I need to stop asking myself what I did not see. What I could have done to prevent you from being the person that slashes someone else’s throat.” At this point Thor choked, he could feel the hot tears burning in his eyes and Loki slightly shook his head. His fingers were wrapped so tightly around the phone receiver that his knuckles were standing out. “I’ve always considered this trait you both have in common quite disturbing. You and Tony. I would like to think that you are so wonderfully different, but you both not only tend to think that everything is about you, no you also believe that it is your duty to rescue everybody. I am not yours to rescue, Thor. I never was.”

“Then what happened?!” In despair Thor put one hand on the glass panel, wishing he could touch Loki. “You’re my little brother! Why did you do it?! Why on earth did you do that?” Thor could feel the tears running down his cheeks and he didn’t care. All that mattered was Loki who lowered his eyes. Not to hide his shame, he was obviously thinking.

“The agent I killed right before they arrested me…”

“Coulson, yes.”

“Was that his name? Anyway, he told me that they needed to put me away, because I would never stop on my own. Because it’s in my nature. Because it turns me on. Although saying that right to my face and considering me incredibly dangerous, he was ridiculously easy to kill. It felt good, because he had insulted me. I think I would have let him take me in if he hadn’t dared to insinuate that I could get any sexual satisfaction from him or killing him. It did not turn me on, but it felt it good. I was calm and at ease when I sat down and waited for the rest of them.”

“Are you trying to tell me that you could have stopped at any time?” Thor’s voice was shaking and Loki once more shrugged. “I don’t know about that. I never considered stopping until that moment, because I did not want to. I enjoyed doing it. It gave me peace of mind. Afterwards I could go home, lie down and sleep 12 hours through.”

“No. No, stop it!” The receiver crashed onto the table as it slipped from Thor’s numb fingers. After quickly jumping to his feet Thor took two steps, trying to suck in some air, but he still felt like suffocating. “Don’t say these things. Don’t.”

He need to put one hand up against the wall to stop himself from tumbling over and the nausea only receded when he closed his eyes. The feeling of being sick remained. Loki hadn’t moved, his eyes followed Thor’s movements carefully and Thor would have loved to see concern in them, but he could not be sure of anything anymore. His hand was ice-cold when he picked the receiver back up. “It’s sick… You can’t say… I saw pictures, Loki. I saw what you did to them. There should not be a single night of good sleep for the rest of your life.”

“I told you that knowing does not necessarily make it better.”

Covering his eyes with one hand Thor lost all power to hold back a single second longer. His shoulders were shaking with the force of his sobs, but he kept the receiver pressed to his ear. “You murdered them. You cut them down… Do you even feel sorry for any of it?”

“No. I don’t feel bad because of them. Though I can say I do not enjoy seeing you like this. Would it mean anything if I told you that there is nothing that you have done or that you could have done? It had nothing to do with you.”

The reason Thor believed him was shockingly simple. Loki didn’t sound especially gentle or caring, he was merely delivering a fact. Not actually enough to relieve Thor off the pressure on his chest, but he didn’t feel like he was running out of air any second. He wanted to ask. Desperately. Had Loki ever looked at Thor and thought about it?

Thor knew that there would be no good night sleep for him if he didn’t ask. Yet he stayed silent, because he felt that Loki would be offended or even worse – hurt – if Thor should dare asking him. The realisation didn’t bring upon any peace of mind. It was rather dire, but at least it was a conclusion. There was no way for Thor to forgive Loki. However what he felt for Loki could never be considered hatred since Thor still shied away from doing or saying anything that might hurt his little brother.

“I have to go. It’s… It’s not late, but I can’t… This has been a lot and I need to go. Thanks for… seeing me. Take care.” Quickly putting down the receiver Thor got up and he caught a glimpse of Loki’s bewildered expression. He said something which of course Thor could not hear. His departure could only be described as flight. There was no stopping until Thor was outside and in his car. After crying intensely for several minutes somebody knocked at his window. A young woman, probably arriving for a visit, asked him if he was okay. Thor answered her no, he was not fine, but he was getting better.

*** 

It was funny how Valkyrie’s hand could feel so small and fragile inside his own when Thor was certain that she could break his wrist if she wanted to. Valkyrie let her head rest against his shoulder as they strolled down the street.

“Not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but definitely up there. Kind of a lousy date until now, big guy.”

Smiling like a fool Thor shrugged. “I liked it quite a lot until now.”

“Nah, I don’t know.” Looking up at him Valkyrie pretended to be thinking. “I guess I’ll be generous ous and give you another try. Lunch for a change? I know this most amazing place. I can get us a reservation for Friday.”

Thor stopped, causing Valkyrie to look up at him in question. “Friday will not work out, I’m sorry.”

“Okay. No problem. We can go another time. Mind if I ask why not Friday?”

“I am visiting my brother.”


End file.
